Our lives are dictated for us before we are born. We don’t get to choose our families much less the siblings.
I guess in every family there is that one meddling individual that looks upon their nose at everyone as if they know it all and their life is perfect. . .
I try my best to judge no one and treat others as I would like to be treated. I was taught if I had nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. I mind my own and worry about me and mine. I am the best parent I can be and I served my country and learned how to be self sufficient along with leadership skills. I own my own business, home, car, property, and depend on no one to pay my bills.
Tell me why I have a sibling that thinks she has the right to judge me, talk bad about me, make up false stories to dig me out of my foxhole. Now I was never taught not to poke a bear but it is just common sense. All those cartoons of Winnie the Pooh and him getting into mischief to try and get honey told us not to mess with bee’s. Its common sense!
This individual has the audacity to question my personal integrity and my parenting skills on the daily. They worry my parents by feeding them stories and adding their spin on possible effects. Then I have to deal with my parents approach of what is being discussed and 4th party hear say!
The good Lord tells us to love everyone even from a distance. I do and mind you I stay further than 6 feet away at all times. I avoid them like the plague and I mind my own. Baby Jesus knows that they should look in the mirror and worry about their kid and their problems as a family.
They should stop threatening me and mine when there is more visual evidence against them.
It was weeks before and I needed windshield wipers. He took me to get them at Costco. I would eventually get the dealership to put them on.
Weeks went by and they sat in the passenger side of my car. He saw them every time and tried to tell me how to put them on. I let it slide and stated that I would get my dad to put them on. Why he didn’t just offer himself to put them on is beyond me.
Few days ago, the ex called because she couldn’t register her car because all the paperwork she had, had his name on it. (In my head I’m thinking, call the people who loaned you the the money for the car and ask them. Its not hard, why call him?) So he tells her that the bank should have sent he paperwork.
He tells me and then complains and I tell him to have her call her lawyer and have her lawyer call his. This isn’t his problem. What does he do…. he calls the bank that loaned them the money for HER car. He does it all for her and then calls her back and signs some waiver to allow her to register the car since she is there… (she could have done that herself, but no he sprang into action then tells her that hopefully the bank will resend her the documents…. (like bruh!)
My car needs the wiper blades replaced and you can’t offer to do them but you make sure your ex is taken care of….
Months before we had laughed when the first person in UTA stated that they were going to self quarantine when they urgently came back from Europe. We said people were being attention seekers to get on the news.
Covid-19 hit and now we are fast forward to reopened essential places of business. Kids are out of school and 2 littles are going back home to be with their parent. He says he was thinking that he wants to give them a week to self quarantine.
I said nothing, he continued with my two littles needed to get to play outside. I said I didn’t need him to justify what he had decided. He began to think about a trip to see his mom in New Mexico. I said he should go.
All the while he rambled, I thought we are back to him making decisions. I wasn’t included so I see no point in arguing anything. Let him go.
I wish he gave just a tenth of the attention to me that he gives to her every time she texts him. We sat there on his couch and she complained about him keeping the kids from her. He showed me and I came to his defense telling him what he was doing was for the safety of his kids. State mandated the self quarantine of individuals coming in from other states. It wasn’t about her, it was what the state recommended. He sat there and continued to worry about how she would react, what she would say, and what would be the outcome. All these what if’s! I told him he needed to stop. All you can worry about is what you can control, all the rest is a waste of time and not good for his health as it is unpredictable and unforseen.
I couldn’t get an ounce of affection the remainder of the day or the night. I asked what was eating Gilbert Grape, he said nothing but I knew better. I let it slide and for the second night we didn’t get much sleep and slept on opposite sides of the bed.
In the morning things were still strange and I came home. I didn’t even hear from him. No goodnight or anything. The next day I was missing him, us, the affection so at 1:37pm I stated that I missed him and went out of my comfort zone and asked to eat with him since the kids were with their grandparents. He said, “sure, where and what time? I’m talking to my dad right now.” I said that was fine we could talk about it later. I left it there. He said nothing till 3:18 pm when he asked what I was doing and I told him I was at Lowe’s getting stuff and it was packed. He said some remark and that was the last I heard from him that day.
My idea to eat together must of not been that important to be so easily dismissed and forgotten. If only I could be even slightly of importance. I said nothing and just let it be. This is what I get for making a request knowing he had already checked out emotionally days before. I remember thinking of the moment that his kids mother text him. I remember wishing that I could capture his attention as she did. She could get him to worry and even get many scenarios and many what if’s out of him and I couldn’t even be an after thought.. I was the one who didn’t stress him, and for that I get no attention. My importance didn’t exist.
Sunday was mother’s day and still nothing from him. I’m not the girl who waits on anyone and sits and wonders! It was 10:55pm before he even thought to say anything. Then the excuse, “Good morning sunshine. Hope you slept well. I came home from my dad’s and passed out….ran errands for him and helped him with his garden thing……. I love you. Hugs and kisses..”
What happened to goodmorning beautiful? Thats what he use to say.. Did he just call me sunshine? Running errands never stopped him from texting me or telling me what was going on so I knew not to worry or expect him for something I had pending. “Hugs, kisses?” Its like salt on wound! He can keep that! Where was the, “Happy Mother’s Day?” Hell at this point, where was the apology for forgetting about eating together?
I put my phone away. I was so made and infuriated that I needed to check out. I finally reached neutral around 7:47pm when I turned my phone back on in which I responded that we must have just all been busy. I really wasn’t in the mood to converse so I told him I had a long day and just wanted to take a shower and go to bed. I said goodnight.
I think it just makes me mad to know that I feel more and more like the punching bag or rebound. I think my greatest fear is that by the end of his journey, I will have been too battered and beat to go on. I will have checked out by then I’m sure. The best thing I can guess to do is to leave his house after school is out and not return till he is done with his drama.
I dont think the drama will ever leave. I fear it will be a constance in his life. Then there is his father that doesn’t care for me or our relationship. Well to be honest he doesn’t approve of me for being Hispanic and the fact that I have two kids. Then the added factor that his kids don’t care for us either. We are destined to fail. I’m coming to terms with it and am slowly peeling myself from this whole situation.
When you look over at your boyfriend and his tummy starts to rumble after two servings of nachos… I place my hand on his stomach and ask if he has to go potty then begin to sing, “I’m coming out, just want the world to know…”
So I went to his house and decided I would make lasagna. I had never made lasagna but what the hay, i could do it if i wanted. I had all the ingredients and i set out to make it. Then his father decided he wanted to get items for the rental…
It was a Saturday and the rental had been vacant for quite some time… Months had gone by and no mention of doing anything to the rental home or that it needed anything. Last I heard anything was in January when he had mentioned he had the home he needed a renter for. It is the end of March almost April and now we are on a law ordered social distancing order. Why now?
His father had seen me there before and began telling him why he had never remarried. He did not want to one, marry outside his race, and two raise other people’s children. Was this a dig at me? Then he stated the he should take some time for himself.. Should I assume this is not another dig at me? We had spoke of this months before and I told him he should take time for himself. He stated that he was technically married for 5 years and separated for the other five. Still wondering if he is referring to me? I couldn’t help but think it was.
I asked him if I should leave before his father got there, he said everything was fine. I could come back at a more appropriate time. He shook his head no. So I stayed thinking everything would be fine. After all his father was not abiding by the social distancing order either.
He had lady friends that would come by and occasionally make him food, bring him items or spend time with him. They came daily and he did not see a problem with it.
Fast forward to the present…. I stood there making lasagna as his father came in through the garage. He didn’t walk in as much as he stormed in. He say me first and I just smiled and said hi. He said, “You guys are supposed to be socially distancing yourself!” I just made a nervous chuckle in which he scoffed, “NO, It’s not funny! It is serious. You are supposed to be here and she is supposed to be at her home!” He shook his head and started talking to his kids about the Corona Virus and the risks and how he is putting his kids at risk. Like I am going to contaminate them.
“Is it because I’m Hispanic, because I have two kids, because I’m here, or because you dont approve?” These thoughts just kept playing in my head as I walked out of the kitchen and waited for him to leave. This was not my home and technically I did not have to take it. Part of me wanted to say the hell with this and leave but I couldn’t because he was parked in the driveway blocking me in. So I retreated to his daughter’s room.
So many things I wanted to say or wanted him to say but he said nothing! Just excused his father’s behavior saying, “He just wants us all to be safe. He has underlying health issues so he is concerned” I get where his father was going with this but if he is so concerned then why was he there to take his son on a hunting list to two Lowes, Home Depot, Albertson’s, and Sherman Williams? There are tons of people there and he did not need to leave the house and could have just asked his son to go?
Why does he have Ladies come by and not yell at them not to come by? Classic case of do as I say not as I do…
I try to keep things simple and I try to be fair. I learn to stay open and to think about just capturing the moment. What started out as a vision to the future quickly had me questioning the thought. It all began with a simple visit
We woke up tired and early to go get salmon and pasta. I had it in my head that I wanted to make our blending family lasagna. I had already bought all the ingredients but due to all the mass hysteria with the COV-19 people seem to be buying out all pasta. So I would have to wait till the next day to get pasta. There was a special on Salmon that he wanted to get first thing in the morning so we went.
830am we went to the store and he ordered a full filet. I decided to order one as well. At $5.99, why not? We come home and descaled the fish, sectioned it and wrapped each individual portion. We left out 5 pieces to cook for our 6 people family….
I wondered why five pieces, with each fillet making 8 pieces or 16 total, why were we only using five. I tried not to question anything and then I began to look and noticed three of the pieces were rather large and two were smaller. He cut one of the pieces in two and gave those to my children and then the tiny piece to me. The three larger pieces were for himself and his kids.
Should I assume this happened coincidentally? Should I ask what this was all about? Is he assuming that me and my kids are not as hungry? Maybe he thinks his kids eat more? Am I making more of the situation than I need to? Should I say anything or just be quiet? The questions just kept rolling in and I was unable to stop them.
I wanted to say something but I could not. We shouldn’t be stingy. There were two fillets and 16 pieces to choose from. I think what upset me more was the fact that even after everything was said and done, my kids and I ate all of our food and the ones that did not eat all their fish were his kids. So you give them these big portions and they dont even eat them.
A shared and combined home was what we yearned for and looked forward to spending our life together but with 2 kids each, could it work?
We had waited and with separate spring breaks at two different weeks, made us distant for 2 weeks. At first it seemed like an eternity but because I preoccupied my time, time went by quickly. I knew soon he would be back and then I would be gone. Time with my best friend is just what me and the kids needed.
Though time went by for me quickly, it was not the same for him. His patience grew thin and it was overwhelming and saddened because he faced other issues with the X factor. I tried to comfort from a distance but he missed us that all I could do was to leave as planned on Tuesday and spend the remaining four days with him and his two kids.
We arrived late Tuesday night at 1030pm. The kids enjoyed seeing each other and they went to bed after showers. We couldn’t believe we were in each others arms. We cooked, cleaned, planned, shopped and essentially lived as a unit. As we walked around in Costco hand in hand, I couldn’t help but wonder if this is what I look forward to as a couple? I wasn’t scared for the first time in my life. I saw the reality and I was excited and relieved. Times we drove in his car and I waited to see if he would forget to hold my hand, but he never forgot and he always reached for my hand. Times I wondered if he would walk without me or leave me behind, but he never did. Times I wondered if he would forget to tell me he loved me, but he always reassured me. Mornings I wondered if he would forget to say goodmorning, but as he hugged me and kissed me each morning, he never forgot to say goodmorning. He was patient, kind, loving and wonderful. It was the best five days of our lives. We got to see what life as parents of four felt like. We shared the affection of the four children and we complimented each other on cleaning up and cooking. It was amazing and if this was a preview to a day in our life together, I couldn’t wait to do it full time and permanently.
If I ever had any doubts or concerns, the ended during those five days together. He asked me if I wanted to be his forever and I answered yes. I also had to ask for clarification.. he stated that meant we were together. Only thing left was for him to ask my parents permission. ….
So I hear the lonely sounds of a man stating that he loves me and misses me. My heart breaks as I know that I wont see him for over 2 weeks. It’s only been 3 days and it feels like a lifetime ago. I try to make peace because I know he needs to go and get away. He needs the time and his kids need him. I talk over the phone but it doesn’t hurt any less. I try to focus on what’s in front of me. I try to not feel the sorrow of my longing.
I tell him he needs the space with his kids. I tell him it may be longer than two weeks till his kids are ok. I try to give him what he doesn’t know he needs. He refuses to hear it. He wants time to fly by. He wants so many things and then tells me he wishes he could hug me.
I ask what he did all day and he tells me he let her come by and get her stuff. He waited at home for her. I could have spent the day with him but no he wasted it waiting for her to get her stuff.
Should I feel less significant, was I not worthy? Did that have to happen today? I was just an after thought! Did he not care about what I wanted? Was I not loud enough to make it known that I wanted to see him? The fact that he allowed it and didn’t tell me when it happened or what was happening infuriates me. I have to ask, I have to pry? I shouldn’t have to ask. I shouldn’t be made to feel this way. I’m not sure if I’m more angry, hurt or devastated…
What should I say? How can I feel? She snaps her fingers and he runs, jumps and flies. He said he’s done but I dont feel that way. I hear what he says but I dont feel it. I dont want to talk and I wont for fear I say something I will later regret.
He said it had to happen then…. it had to happen? So you mean that if his daughter was at a function that he would leave immediately to go give his ex her stuff at that particular time? He knew that there were other times. She didn’t even sign his documents and yet she got her stuff. She could have waited till he was back from his trip. He could have asked for the signed documents.
Was this my fault that I didn’t ask? Should I have demanded that time? Why did she get to spend time with him and I did not? How was this fair? I feel I lost and I wasn’t even playing. Is this what I have to face? She says now and off he goes? I’m mad as hell that I placed myself in this position. I’m disappointed with him that he doesn’t have a clue about what he did. Now no matter what he does, he can’t take this feeling away from me. Saying sorry wont give me back that time. Saying sorry wont make anything feel right again. Saying sorry for essentially choosing her over me will forever break my heart.
I had the thought and notions that things wouldn’t be as easy as they seemed. I pleaded and begged with my internal conscious telling me that it would only be a matter of time.
It’s too soon, it’s too quick… I knew it and yet I let him convince me that he was over it. I let him tell me it was years in the making. I let him tell me that he had been single for some time now. I knew the signs but he failed to listen to me. He needs time but would not take it. He swore he was over it…
Time came to have her served and she chose her words precisely. It moved him even though he didn’t care to admit it. “Don’t hide behind your father and talk to me!” He said she thought that everything he did was because his father willed it so. Did she not know that he had a brain and thought on his own? All that had happened was a product of her making….
He spoke with her, even after he said he wasn’t going to. He had the conversation in which she shed tears and brought up things about their past like she didn’t see it coming. Major red flags. She spoke of their relationship like she was working on proving for them and doing what was necessary for them. She spoke of sick days and working when she was sick to provide. She spoke of being an outsider to his family. She said that his future relationships would all fail because of his family. She only wanted her car, savings account and for kids to chose who to live with.
Was what he told me correct? Did she request to get a Divorce? Was she really that materialistic that she asked about her car and savings account first before the kids? Was she really trying to play on others emotions? Was she really aware that they were over?
My mind asked so much and yet I sat there just listening to what was an eternity in a matter of seconds but each word dragged on. I heard what he was saying but couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Part of me wanted to throw in the towel and just walk away. Part of me wanted to shake him. Part of me wanted to scream. Part of me wanted to yell at her. Then I remembered who I was and knew this was not my situation, problem, or concern so I just sat there. I sat there….
I remained composed and then said I was fine. Physically I did not lie. Physically I was fine. Emotionally, I was dying inside with anger and reproach. The amount of information he shared was shocking. How did he know where she was, how did he know her routine, how did he know what she drove and how she felt? When he spoke to me it was more of a one sided conversation were they felt and spoke in their world and I was the other person being talked down to. Any questions I had were justified and confirmed by him in a defensive manner. Any rebuttal, he defended her so I was swatted and it stung.
She then did the nasty thing and told the kids she wouldn’t see the kids as much as she would like due to their father. Who drops bombs like that to your flesh and blood? He tried to console them and make them understand. I didn’t agree. It should have been explained by the person who poisoned the well. Why is she not being held accountable? Why is it ok for her to be this way and everyone just cleans up her mess?
She asked about child support because she doesn’t feel like she will have enough….seriously? You make choices and they have consequences! Kids did not ask to be born. They are here and when they are you have to be a parent. They dont wait for you to decide or get ready. They are here and a lifetime investment. You sign up for life. It is your God Given Right to raise them to be good model citizens! It is not an option. The courts determine their worth and they take into accountability what you make. They wont bleed a radish. Regardless, they are your children and how could you not want to give up all you own for them? Dear baby Jesus give me patience..
I’m here but only as a friend. I’ve numbed my internal feelings. I can’t allow myself to feel or I will be devastated. I can’t be there for him because it breaks my heart at the pain these beautiful children have to face in the hands of a heartless woman. If the kids only knew their mother was more concerned about material things then them….
It’s not my fight, it’s not my life, it’s not my anything.. I am his friend and that’s all I see right now. He needs this break to go and think of something else, to be free, to be himself. I need this break to be me, to see life without him, and to get away from all this….
Life Actually by Ritza Girl 