Short attention span..

I wish he gave just a tenth of the attention to me that he gives to her every time she texts him. We sat there on his couch and she complained about him keeping the kids from her. He showed me and I came to his defense telling him what he was doing was for the safety of his kids. State mandated the self quarantine of individuals coming in from other states. It wasn’t about her, it was what the state recommended. He sat there and continued to worry about how she would react, what she would say, and what would be the outcome. All these what if’s! I told him he needed to stop. All you can worry about is what you can control, all the rest is a waste of time and not good for his health as it is unpredictable and unforseen.

I couldn’t get an ounce of affection the remainder of the day or the night. I asked what was eating Gilbert Grape, he said nothing but I knew better. I let it slide and for the second night we didn’t get much sleep and slept on opposite sides of the bed.

In the morning things were still strange and I came home. I didn’t even hear from him. No goodnight or anything. The next day I was missing him, us, the affection so at 1:37pm I stated that I missed him and went out of my comfort zone and asked to eat with him since the kids were with their grandparents. He said, “sure, where and what time? I’m talking to my dad right now.” I said that was fine we could talk about it later. I left it there. He said nothing till 3:18 pm when he asked what I was doing and I told him I was at Lowe’s getting stuff and it was packed. He said some remark and that was the last I heard from him that day.

My idea to eat together must of not been that important to be so easily dismissed and forgotten. If only I could be even slightly of importance. I said nothing and just let it be. This is what I get for making a request knowing he had already checked out emotionally days before. I remember thinking of the moment that his kids mother text him. I remember wishing that I could capture his attention as she did. She could get him to worry and even get many scenarios and many what if’s out of him and I couldn’t even be an after thought.. I was the one who didn’t stress him, and for that I get no attention. My importance didn’t exist.

Sunday was mother’s day and still nothing from him. I’m not the girl who waits on anyone and sits and wonders! It was 10:55pm before he even thought to say anything. Then the excuse, “Good morning sunshine. Hope you slept well. I came home from my dad’s and passed out….ran errands for him and helped him with his garden thing……. I love you. Hugs and kisses..”

What happened to goodmorning beautiful? Thats what he use to say.. Did he just call me sunshine? Running errands never stopped him from texting me or telling me what was going on so I knew not to worry or expect him for something I had pending. “Hugs, kisses?” Its like salt on wound! He can keep that! Where was the, “Happy Mother’s Day?” Hell at this point, where was the apology for forgetting about eating together?

I put my phone away. I was so made and infuriated that I needed to check out. I finally reached neutral around 7:47pm when I turned my phone back on in which I responded that we must have just all been busy. I really wasn’t in the mood to converse so I told him I had a long day and just wanted to take a shower and go to bed. I said goodnight.

I think it just makes me mad to know that I feel more and more like the punching bag or rebound. I think my greatest fear is that by the end of his journey, I will have been too battered and beat to go on. I will have checked out by then I’m sure. The best thing I can guess to do is to leave his house after school is out and not return till he is done with his drama.

I dont think the drama will ever leave. I fear it will be a constance in his life. Then there is his father that doesn’t care for me or our relationship. Well to be honest he doesn’t approve of me for being Hispanic and the fact that I have two kids. Then the added factor that his kids don’t care for us either. We are destined to fail. I’m coming to terms with it and am slowly peeling myself from this whole situation.