As it turns out…

So I hear the lonely sounds of a man stating that he loves me and misses me. My heart breaks as I know that I wont see him for over 2 weeks. It’s only been 3 days and it feels like a lifetime ago. I try to make peace because I know he needs to go and get away. He needs the time and his kids need him. I talk over the phone but it doesn’t hurt any less. I try to focus on what’s in front of me. I try to not feel the sorrow of my longing.

I tell him he needs the space with his kids. I tell him it may be longer than two weeks till his kids are ok. I try to give him what he doesn’t know he needs. He refuses to hear it. He wants time to fly by. He wants so many things and then tells me he wishes he could hug me.

I ask what he did all day and he tells me he let her come by and get her stuff. He waited at home for her. I could have spent the day with him but no he wasted it waiting for her to get her stuff.

Should I feel less significant, was I not worthy? Did that have to happen today? I was just an after thought! Did he not care about what I wanted? Was I not loud enough to make it known that I wanted to see him? The fact that he allowed it and didn’t tell me when it happened or what was happening infuriates me. I have to ask, I have to pry? I shouldn’t have to ask. I shouldn’t be made to feel this way. I’m not sure if I’m more angry, hurt or devastated…

What should I say? How can I feel? She snaps her fingers and he runs, jumps and flies. He said he’s done but I dont feel that way. I hear what he says but I dont feel it. I dont want to talk and I wont for fear I say something I will later regret.

He said it had to happen then…. it had to happen? So you mean that if his daughter was at a function that he would leave immediately to go give his ex her stuff at that particular time? He knew that there were other times. She didn’t even sign his documents and yet she got her stuff. She could have waited till he was back from his trip. He could have asked for the signed documents.

Was this my fault that I didn’t ask? Should I have demanded that time? Why did she get to spend time with him and I did not? How was this fair? I feel I lost and I wasn’t even playing. Is this what I have to face? She says now and off he goes? I’m mad as hell that I placed myself in this position. I’m disappointed with him that he doesn’t have a clue about what he did. Now no matter what he does, he can’t take this feeling away from me. Saying sorry wont give me back that time. Saying sorry wont make anything feel right again. Saying sorry for essentially choosing her over me will forever break my heart.